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No worries about the response rate! I really appreciate your help ^^
So I tried recentering the group, having the chip stay in the center of the snowball and scaling the snowball from its center as well. Once the snowball moves, it'll keep moving at the pace of the initial push. Hence why I made a toggle to show how it all works perfectly fine when the keyframe is toggled off. Here's a vid showing that whole ordeal: https://youtu.be/VUQrnmXMnkc
I ended up finding a temporary fix that I deem good enough for now! There's probably a better way but it sort of works. I made a small microchip that pulses with a certain modulo rate, scaling the snowball up in steps. Picking a small enough modulo gives the desired effect, aside from a few hiccups here and there. I recorded that as well in case someone else stumbles across this thread :)
https://youtu.be/f13Eh-th1XI